Okay. I accept that. I give up on trying to stay on the outside. So I’m here today to claim the title Vampire-American. I wear it proudly.

There was a blur of evening gowns and contestants being invited to talk insipidly about their roots and how long they’d been undead...

[N]either woman wanted to be Little Red Riding Hood, and both wanted to be the wolf, and the happy ending was Riding Hood getting devoured.