He and she stood naked before each other, like Adam and Eve, Tristan and Isolde, Julia Roberts and Javier Bardem. Not that Julia and Javi had gone full frontal in the movie, but they had probably hooked up in a trailer on the lot, because that’s what movie stars did, in that way they were similar to vampires in that they could have sex with whoever they wanted to, only usually they didn’t kill them afterward, except for Steve Buscemi.

Okay. I accept that. I give up on trying to stay on the outside. So I’m here today to claim the title Vampire-American. I wear it proudly.

There was a blur of evening gowns and contestants being invited to talk insipidly about their roots and how long they’d been undead...